When you don’t have any hope, believe it or not, things aren’t super terrible. It’s like an old injury and it aches but you get used to it. Then something comes into your life; hope. And you scoff at it, but you put it in your pocket.
You pull it out sometimes. Watch it glint in the sun. You stare at it. And everyday you do it a little more. Stuff starts coming to you. You laugh and the sound surprises you. And you start planning to get better. It feels like the worst is over.
And you drop hope. It rolls into a grate and disappears.
And just like that you’re falling. Like the literal sensation of plunging actually comes over you. You’re fighting years worth of tears and it used to be so easy but that was before hope and you had no idea that you had climbed this far but now you’re falling and suddenly you remember the bottom and that’s when the fear hits, because you know where you’re going.
And you won’t be numb this time.
You were so close. You had almost made it. You were Stupid!! You don’t even realize that you’ve started talking about yourself in the past tense.
It’s not okay. It’s never going to be okay. You were wrong to look up. Bitterly, that day you noticed the glint seems almost the worst day ever. You’ll never do that again. Stupid.
I don’t even WANT to be happy anymore. I just want content. Content is enough. No more dreams. They only hurt.