When you don’t have any hope, believe it or not, things aren’t super terrible. It’s like an old injury and it aches but you get used to it. Then something comes into your life; hope. And you scoff at it, but you put it in your pocket.
You pull it out sometimes. Watch it glint in the sun. You stare at it. And everyday you do it a little more. Stuff starts coming to you. You laugh and the sound surprises you. And you start planning to get better. It feels like the worst is over.
And you drop hope. It rolls into a grate and disappears.
And just like that you’re falling. Like the literal sensation of plunging actually comes over you. You’re fighting years worth of tears and it used to be so easy but that was before hope and you had no idea that you had climbed this far but now you’re falling and suddenly you remember the bottom and that’s when the fear hits, because you know where you’re going.
And you won’t be numb this time.
You were so close. You had almost made it. You were Stupid!! You don’t even realize that you’ve started talking about yourself in the past tense.
It’s not okay. It’s never going to be okay. You were wrong to look up. Bitterly, that day you noticed the glint seems almost the worst day ever. You’ll never do that again. Stupid.
I don’t even WANT to be happy anymore. I just want content. Content is enough. No more dreams. They only hurt.
So… I’ve been packing like crazy. My move is next Thursday and my surgery is next Wednesday. I’m transferring a lot of my utilities and mailing address, paid off my car, finished eight podcasts for a series…
I’ve been busy.
Part way through the week I realized that I’d forgotten to post my video! So you guys will get a two for one this week 😉
I went out of my way to portray a feeling last week. Have you ever had someone cheat on you and suddenly realised that their behaviour made sense in hindsight? Like…
… someone who is always staring at and texting on their phone…but never responds to YOUR text messages?
That naive moment, when you can’t understand you’re miserable, but you still WANT to believe in them so badly. It’s a hard lesson to learn from a moment that seems so innocent. Until it’s not.
I have one last step before I close on my house and it gets underwriter approval; the inspection. I’m so nervous! I keep telling myself that it’s no big deal and that I don’t need a roof over my head, it’s not like I’m being evicted, lol.
It’s very hard to lie to yourself.
Anyway, to pass the time, I finished the Shelby. It gave me a sense of satisfaction and helped me focus. It’s amazing how sometimes art whets my appetite to create more and others I just feel drained and relieved. With this, I just swiveled my chair around and started anew.
But that’s for next week. In the meantime, be safe and enjoy the following video. Later! 😊