I’m not well right now. I can’t really seem to stop crying and I thought drawing something would make me feel better.
Maybe if I could stop having nightmares. Maybe if I could clear my memory. Maybe if I could me and not a ghost of me.
That’s the REAL problem. I feel like there are two of me and one is happy and the other is me. And this pain in my chest in my head in every part of me is something I need to let go, but I can’t. I can’t.
Isn’t that what a ghost is? A spirit that can’t let go?
So how do I REALLY know that I’m alive? Is it this pain? Am I supposed to feel this from now on? What if I can’t. I get so tired from it, but it’s all I know somedays. I live between pain and nothing.
I can’t let go of my family. I’ve tried. But it feels as though my arm is being slowly torn off. There’s just a few strips of muscle, bone and sinew but I can’t take anymore pain. So I stop.
Crying when you don’t want to. Panic attacks. Laughing jags. I’m trying to be strong. I’m trying to trick myself into breathing, but it’s not always easy. I can only draw when I am unhappy.
I want to be numb again. But sometimes I can’t tell if I’m alive and I’m scared that I’m not. I’m scared that I’m not with my family because I can’t be.
I’m not going back to the hospital. I’m not done fighting. I’m just tired.
I can’t believe that I sold this photo right after completing it! The lady who bought it was very respectful and sat quietly while I worked on it.
Most of the time when I’m drawing I am completely unaware of my surroundings. However, I can feel when someone is watching me. All artists can actually, we’re just a little busy, hahaha.
So I was able to take my time, such as it was. It took around two hours to complete the image; my coffee was cold and the place was a bit more crowded than when I started. But then, as I was putting away my things, she spoke.
“Did you draw that for anyone?”she asked. When I replied that I hadn’t, she asked me a lot of questions about my process and why I’d chosen this particular subject. She was very pleasant, so I didn’t mind, but her next question surprised me.
“May I buy it?”
“Yes ma’am” I answered. We agreed upon a price and she paid it. The only thing she asked was that I sign it, which I did.
I was very happy when I left Starbucks that day. It was one of the few times that my work was bought that quickly.
I love it when I’m drawing. When I am completely dialed in, my music is working with my mood and I have everything coming together, it’s the best feeling.
It hasn’t always been the case. For a very long time, I could only produce my best work when I was feeling negative emotions. How did this happen? I have a few suspicions, but it doesn’t matter.
What mattered was getting out of that dynamic.
The first step was to pick a different setting. I started drawing in more animated, cheerful environments. It helps you stay out of the negative emotions and puts you in a proper frame of mind.
Next is my music choice. Sorry #evanescence but I associate them with my divorce; a very dour time in my life. I have an entire playlist of inspirational, pick me up music. It made a tremendous difference!
Lastly, I got rid of all interruptions. This was the hardest; I would draw during lulls at work, as some of you know. I had to make sure that my time was dedicated to the art completely.
I guess you could say I had to focus, although I still sketch ideas when I first get them.
Anyway, that’s it. Repetition and practice makes it easier to get in your zone. And detaching your art ability from emotional states will free up your creative ability.
What’s the weirdest day that you’ve had so far this year? Mine was Sunday and it involved This picture…
So, when I draw publicly, I usually meet two kinds of people: those who love my work and others. Well I met a new version of human, the student artist.
God help me.
I had a wonderful young lady with horrible self esteem sit right next to me and begin trying to draw the EXACT SAME PICTURE. I didn’t say anything. I let it go.
Then she nudges me to ask for paper. I looked at her and handed her one sheet of my marker paper. Not happy about it, but it wasn’t worth making a scene.
Then she tried to grab some markers.
I took them back and told her that this wasn’t group activity. So she screamed at me and threw her coffee and left.
I have no idea why it happened. It definitely killed my mood. I actually had a girl ask me if my girlfriend was okay! I explained that I didn’t know her and that she was taking my supplies. She didn’t seem to believe me.