I had a pretty decent weekend. It started out with a quiet Friday, something I truly needed. Saturday I decided to go sit in my local Starbucks and draw a little.
It usually takes me a few days to become more neutral in my thinking. This can usually turn up in my art. I start making pictures of faces that are not so much “happy”; more like, relaxed.
That’s sort of what I was going for here. No stress, just a tranquil look.
I feel like I did a decent job.
Of course, there were a few people (and at least one baby 😊) that took an interest in my work. One young lady even wanted to buy a print of one of my pieces!
I sent her to my page lionbrowneyes and offered to draw her as well. She happily agreed.
I was so motivated that I ended up creating another while talking to people around me. THAT was new! I hadn’t had to do it in awhile. But in the end I felt better for having done so.
So I had a nice, calm day. I didn’t think about any problems or concerns. I just commited to relaxing.
I’m not well right now. I can’t really seem to stop crying and I thought drawing something would make me feel better.
Maybe if I could stop having nightmares. Maybe if I could clear my memory. Maybe if I could me and not a ghost of me.
That’s the REAL problem. I feel like there are two of me and one is happy and the other is me. And this pain in my chest in my head in every part of me is something I need to let go, but I can’t. I can’t.
Isn’t that what a ghost is? A spirit that can’t let go?
So how do I REALLY know that I’m alive? Is it this pain? Am I supposed to feel this from now on? What if I can’t. I get so tired from it, but it’s all I know somedays. I live between pain and nothing.
I can’t let go of my family. I’ve tried. But it feels as though my arm is being slowly torn off. There’s just a few strips of muscle, bone and sinew but I can’t take anymore pain. So I stop.
Crying when you don’t want to. Panic attacks. Laughing jags. I’m trying to be strong. I’m trying to trick myself into breathing, but it’s not always easy. I can only draw when I am unhappy.
I want to be numb again. But sometimes I can’t tell if I’m alive and I’m scared that I’m not. I’m scared that I’m not with my family because I can’t be.
I’m not going back to the hospital. I’m not done fighting. I’m just tired.
I can’t believe that I sold this photo right after completing it! The lady who bought it was very respectful and sat quietly while I worked on it.
Most of the time when I’m drawing I am completely unaware of my surroundings. However, I can feel when someone is watching me. All artists can actually, we’re just a little busy, hahaha.
So I was able to take my time, such as it was. It took around two hours to complete the image; my coffee was cold and the place was a bit more crowded than when I started. But then, as I was putting away my things, she spoke.
“Did you draw that for anyone?”she asked. When I replied that I hadn’t, she asked me a lot of questions about my process and why I’d chosen this particular subject. She was very pleasant, so I didn’t mind, but her next question surprised me.
“May I buy it?”
“Yes ma’am” I answered. We agreed upon a price and she paid it. The only thing she asked was that I sign it, which I did.
I was very happy when I left Starbucks that day. It was one of the few times that my work was bought that quickly.
As usual, I find myself drawing without a customer or goal in mind. Actually after seeing Black Widow’s new look in the avengers movie, I suddenly remembered the first Avenger female in leather that I ever saw on the big screen; Emma Peele, played by Uma Thurman. If you don’t remember it or the TV show, that’s fine.
People tend to expect me to draw things that they’re familiar with, but the best part of being a nerd is having parts of pop culture that were ignored in your head. When I drew this everyone thought I was doing Black Widow! But if I always made what was expected, then I’m no longer an artist.
So yeah… sometimes you don’t get to be as original as you’d like, but as long as you keep your mind open, you can find your own spin for everything.