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I’m not well right now. I can’t really seem to stop crying and I thought drawing something would make me feel better.

It’s not.

Maybe if I could stop having nightmares. Maybe if I could clear my memory. Maybe if I could me and not a ghost of me.

That’s the REAL problem. I feel like there are two of me and one is happy and the other is me. And this pain in my chest in my head in every part of me is something I need to let go, but I can’t. I can’t.

Isn’t that what a ghost is? A spirit that can’t let go?

So how do I REALLY know that I’m alive? Is it this pain? Am I supposed to feel this from now on? What if I can’t. I get so tired from it, but it’s all I know somedays. I live between pain and nothing.

I can’t let go of my family. I’ve tried. But it feels as though my arm is being slowly torn off. There’s just a few strips of muscle, bone and sinew but I can’t take anymore pain. So I stop.

Crying when you don’t want to. Panic attacks. Laughing jags. I’m trying to be strong. I’m trying to trick myself into breathing, but it’s not always easy. I can only draw when I am unhappy.

I want to be numb again. But sometimes I can’t tell if I’m alive and I’m scared that I’m not. I’m scared that I’m not with my family because I can’t be.

I’m not going back to the hospital. I’m not done fighting. I’m just tired.

A tired ghost. Ha.

Unmore

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If someone asked you for a “really quick” image, for free, how would you respond? Now make it a total stranger. What would you do?

I went ahead and did it.

I can’t explain why I did. It could be because I was drifting on my actual project and needed the distraction. Or maybe I felt sorry for the kid. Either way, they got an image made on typing paper.

It was nice and definitely pulled me out of my funk. It also reminded me that I could work faster than I had been…

…but there was still an image to get back to. I couldn’t just spend all my time playing around so in the end, they got this:

Maybe next time I’ll say no. We’ll see.

Wizards come Out

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I can’t believe that I sold this photo right after completing it! The lady who bought it was very respectful and sat quietly while I worked on it.

Most of the time when I’m drawing I am completely unaware of my surroundings. However, I can feel when someone is watching me. All artists can actually, we’re just a little busy, hahaha.

So I was able to take my time, such as it was. It took around two hours to complete the image; my coffee was cold and the place was a bit more crowded than when I started. But then, as I was putting away my things, she spoke.

“Did you draw that for anyone?”she asked. When I replied that I hadn’t, she asked me a lot of questions about my process and why I’d chosen this particular subject. She was very pleasant, so I didn’t mind, but her next question surprised me.

“May I buy it?”

“Yes ma’am” I answered. We agreed upon a price and she paid it. The only thing she asked was that I sign it, which I did.

I was very happy when I left Starbucks that day. It was one of the few times that my work was bought that quickly.

Best day of the month. 😊

Throw Away Day

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As usual, I find myself drawing without a customer or goal in mind. Actually after seeing Black Widow’s new look in the avengers movie, I suddenly remembered the first Avenger female in leather that I ever saw on the big screen; Emma Peele, played by Uma Thurman. If you don’t remember it or the TV show, that’s fine.

People tend to expect me to draw things that they’re familiar with, but the best part of being a nerd is having parts of pop culture that were ignored in your head. When I drew this everyone thought I was doing Black Widow! But if I always made what was expected, then I’m no longer an artist.

So yeah… sometimes you don’t get to be as original as you’d like, but as long as you keep your mind open, you can find your own spin for everything.

Effort[less]

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Tattoos. I am not a tattoo artist. But I am going to the Baltimore Tattoo Convention to hang out and meet with several. Should be fun!

I love that I can make markers look like watercolours. It’s been awhile since I’ve used that particular skillset. What do you guys think? Want to see me do a few?

Anyway, I apparently have a new model who is sitting on my deck right now, hahaha. Have a great week!

Kill

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Man, it’s getting to be a hassle to find art time nowadays! This started out as an example; draw a scene as an exercise. I had no idea what would come from it!

After posting it into several groups that I’m a member of, someone contacted me and wanted to know my “page rate” . Durr?

I asked others about this innocently expecting a simple answer. Because I never learn. Because I believe in humans.

Because I’m dumb.

Next thing I know, I’m being blasted with hate mail! “You didn’t invent #killbill”, “that’s intellectual property”, “you’re a hack”….it went on and on.

Ugh. “Okay so BECAUSE someone liked my practice page, they asked me to draw THEIR ORIGINAL COMIC. Also, learn reading comprehension, assholes”, I replied.

So, I finally got some decent advice and discovered that the person asking had two other artists who hadn’t been paid for work rendered. I gave up.

I’ll draw what I want.

[Don’t] Drink Rain

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Drawing on a rainy day can be so much fun! Even though your mood can be affected, there’s something about hearing the steady pitter patter of raindrops can be soothing.

The cool thing about #blackpanther coming out was that people have begun to appreciate my knack for doing African American hairstyles. So I have more opportunities among that community. The plain drab styles are giving way.

It’s silly in a way; why should it matter? But there’s definitely been an increase in pride in ourselves.

I can live with that.

ifyouneedafriendgoodluck

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I love it when I’m drawing. When I am completely dialed in, my music is working with my mood and I have everything coming together, it’s the best feeling.

It hasn’t always been the case. For a very long time, I could only produce my best work when I was feeling negative emotions. How did this happen? I have a few suspicions, but it doesn’t matter.

What mattered was getting out of that dynamic.

The first step was to pick a different setting. I started drawing in more animated, cheerful environments. It helps you stay out of the negative emotions and puts you in a proper frame of mind.

Next is my music choice. Sorry #evanescence but I associate them with my divorce; a very dour time in my life. I have an entire playlist of inspirational, pick me up music. It made a tremendous difference!

Lastly, I got rid of all interruptions. This was the hardest; I would draw during lulls at work, as some of you know. I had to make sure that my time was dedicated to the art completely.

I guess you could say I had to focus, although I still sketch ideas when I first get them.

Anyway, that’s it. Repetition and practice makes it easier to get in your zone. And detaching your art ability from emotional states will free up your creative ability.

Yeah

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What’s the weirdest day that you’ve had so far this year? Mine was Sunday and it involved This picture…

So, when I draw publicly, I usually meet two kinds of people: those who love my work and others. Well I met a new version of human, the student artist.

God help me.

I had a wonderful young lady with horrible self esteem sit right next to me and begin trying to draw the EXACT SAME PICTURE. I didn’t say anything. I let it go.

Then she nudges me to ask for paper. I looked at her and handed her one sheet of my marker paper. Not happy about it, but it wasn’t worth making a scene.

Then she tried to grab some markers.

I took them back and told her that this wasn’t group activity. So she screamed at me and threw her coffee and left.

I have no idea why it happened. It definitely killed my mood. I actually had a girl ask me if my girlfriend was okay! I explained that I didn’t know her and that she was taking my supplies. She didn’t seem to believe me.