Tag Archives: life

Tears in Rain

A lot of people remember Rutger Hauer as his seminal creation, Roy Batty. Not me. I had no interest in the saxophone tuned, smoke filled crime drama. Nope.

My first Rutger film was Blind Fury.

That movie was a weird, fun filled adventure. It made me laugh. Seeing him walking off in the end made me want to see further adventures.

Next was Split Second.

I’ll be honest; I didn’t see all of it. The Mrs and I were really busy making out (newlyweds). But I do remember believing his character was him. He was a sort of action hero, but a more emotionally honest one

I saw Hitcher while stationed overseas in Germany. It was running in a small theatre in Munchen(Munich) And me, being an idiot went in to see it.

It was in German. But I still got the point.

So finally, FINALLY I decided to give Blade Runner a try. There were a lot of versions, but Netflix only had one. I was divorced, cynical and bitter. Perfect timing, right?

I loved it. It didn’t try to explain the world we were seeing too much. I could almost grasp a lot of it. But I enjoyed two people in it the most.

Rachel. And Roy.

I’m not sure what that says about my mindset then. I guess I had lost a lot of my self identity at that point.

I wasn’t a soldier, husband or even allowed to be a dad. I was holding on to a job and had tried to take my own life. I’d been encouraged to. By my wife.

So the entirety of his very eloquent self eulogy deeply affected me. Here was a man who had lost everything and was about to lose the only thing he had left. And all he wanted was one more day.

So I decided to try it. Just be here one more day. That was nine years ago.

So yeah…Mr Hauer saved me while I metaphorically was dangling by the fingertips. So I drew him twice. He died in the same year Roy Batty did in the movie.

Symmetry.

I’m not well right now. I can’t really seem to stop crying and I thought drawing something would make me feel better.

It’s not.

Maybe if I could stop having nightmares. Maybe if I could clear my memory. Maybe if I could me and not a ghost of me.

That’s the REAL problem. I feel like there are two of me and one is happy and the other is me. And this pain in my chest in my head in every part of me is something I need to let go, but I can’t. I can’t.

Isn’t that what a ghost is? A spirit that can’t let go?

So how do I REALLY know that I’m alive? Is it this pain? Am I supposed to feel this from now on? What if I can’t. I get so tired from it, but it’s all I know somedays. I live between pain and nothing.

I can’t let go of my family. I’ve tried. But it feels as though my arm is being slowly torn off. There’s just a few strips of muscle, bone and sinew but I can’t take anymore pain. So I stop.

Crying when you don’t want to. Panic attacks. Laughing jags. I’m trying to be strong. I’m trying to trick myself into breathing, but it’s not always easy. I can only draw when I am unhappy.

I want to be numb again. But sometimes I can’t tell if I’m alive and I’m scared that I’m not. I’m scared that I’m not with my family because I can’t be.

I’m not going back to the hospital. I’m not done fighting. I’m just tired.

A tired ghost. Ha.

Wizards come Out

I can’t believe that I sold this photo right after completing it! The lady who bought it was very respectful and sat quietly while I worked on it.

Most of the time when I’m drawing I am completely unaware of my surroundings. However, I can feel when someone is watching me. All artists can actually, we’re just a little busy, hahaha.

So I was able to take my time, such as it was. It took around two hours to complete the image; my coffee was cold and the place was a bit more crowded than when I started. But then, as I was putting away my things, she spoke.

“Did you draw that for anyone?”she asked. When I replied that I hadn’t, she asked me a lot of questions about my process and why I’d chosen this particular subject. She was very pleasant, so I didn’t mind, but her next question surprised me.

“May I buy it?”

“Yes ma’am” I answered. We agreed upon a price and she paid it. The only thing she asked was that I sign it, which I did.

I was very happy when I left Starbucks that day. It was one of the few times that my work was bought that quickly.

Best day of the month. 😊

Atmosphere

        It has been EXTREMELY hectic for me lately!! I’ve done something that I have wanted to for a long time; I’m an artist now, you guys!

     I left my job last month. And to be honest I was pretty terrified. Actually, you can make that present tense, because I still am.  With all the nonstop working and commission begging, being freelance has lost some of its luster. 

       If it were guaranteed it would definitely be easier. But at some point in my life I had to take a chance on me. I believe in myself and my talents. 

         So this picture… yeah, I’m doing characters for pay, lol. It’s not drudgery though. Actually, it’s kind of fun and exciting to do this one because its for a friend! Plus next month is Inktober, my favourite holiday.

         On the face of it though is that I noticed that I still have people wanting me to draw for free. It’s weird. Do they think I shouldn’t eat or something? I can’t understand it. But being upset about it is pointless. I’m just going to keep doing my best.

         To be honest, I’m another rung closer to where I want to be. My art matters to me. I’ll need to get a LOT more prolific in what is produced with no loss in quality.

           Hopefully I can get picked up to do more covers and character designs. Wish me luck! 

Mandatory Wishes

     I finally made my price list for commissioned work. It didn’t take me too long; it was more of a matter of me procrastinating, truthfully.

    No, this isn’t going to be a rant about customers and what they’re willing to pay. Instead I’m talking about artists and what’s​considered fair market value for what they create.

     Let’s face it; some (most) of the artists I know are terrible at marketing themselves. Quite a few are antisocial, which is fine if you’re already famous, not so much when you’re a complete unknown.

     My best and possibly worst examples of this are scammers; people who either modify an artist’ work or copy it completely in order to sell it as their own. These scum have NO problem with confidence or marketing. I honestly believe that a lot of artists could benefit from learning how to do so from these inhuman things. 

     There are a lot of reasons for not succeeding. You should never let yourself be one of them.

Be

    Yay! I actually got permission to post my digital art! Maybe I was wrong to give the choice, but I feel that portraits​ are kinda personal. 

     I’ve been so busy with repairing my home. It’s a little over one hundred years old and it’s last update was in the 80’s. I’m not trying to go too modern, but things like floor sag and bad rafters come before the pretty stuff. Foundations first!

     Maybe I should just enjoy this period of my life. After all, it hasn’t been this quiet in a long time. No impending doom, just everyday things. I should be content.

    Ha! Who am I fooling? Even though it’s true, that’s just not my nature. After a decade of nothing but one emergency after another, there is no way I could fully believe that calm waters are ahead. But is that experience or paranoia?

    I gave up on happy. It abandoned me. My world has been mostly grey with occasional flashes of color. I’ve come to accept it, even appreciate those rare instances.

    Was I wrong? Could it be?

     Here’s the truth; I WANT to be. I really do. I know it’s a little like giving up on life the way I live. But I’m not sorry. It’s my way of… I’m getting my affairs in order. That’s all I’ve been doing. Stalling in the hopes that it isn’t necessary, but keeping my distance from life so that I won’t mind parting with it.

    Dammit.

   Okay. I need to start doing more than getting by. I need to find joy in little things. Like my art. It doesn’t need to be complicated because now I know what I want!
  I want to be.

 

Bygone Be Gone

      This year I’ve started the process of reducing the amount of non-art in my life. I’ve also started to do those things I’d avoided until now.

     The first thingis getting my furnace repaired; it caught fire a couple of years ago and I’ve endured some bad winters huddled in one room of my house.

    I had avoided fixing things because to do so meant conversations with my ex. That’s it. 

   On a similar note, I’ve paid for my mental health and physical injuries myself. After watching my dad’s frustration with the VA ( veterans administration), I was loathe to visit them, even though I was medically discharged and had received extensive psychiatric care. I just didn’t want to be deconstructed for a couple of dollars. Plus I was fine, I continually lied to myself.

    I started working on the floors upstairs in my house this weekend. I always had a reason to procrastinate. But I’ve decided that my house isa physical manifestation of my mental health and self-esteem. So shit gets fixed.

   Broke up.

    My art is now on display in my nearby comic store. They framed it and had me sign it, so they must like it…

     And I have a few vehicles to get rid of. Maybe I shouldn’t, but honestly I feel that I need to. 

I’ve been asked to do the covers for a few indie comics. With pay! So there’s that. I’m feel like I’m starting to get a set of goals. We’ll see.

   Last year I lost 60 pounds. This year I’ll settle for 40 more.  And the hair.

   I still don’t know about the hair.

Liquid State

       Man, it is COLD!! 11°F this morning and the fun part is that it’s the same temperature in my home. Well, that’s an exaggeration; it’s actually about 50 in a few rooms. Can’t have a repeat of my pipes freezing again.

     Anyway, because of the conditions at home, I spent quite a bit of time at the gym. My girlfriend offered to let me stay with her, but….

    The funny thing is that I assumed that I’d created a lot of art last year. Don’t get me wrong, I haven’t been that productive in a long time. But this year? You’re looking at my eighteenth piece!

      My whole life is kinda coming unglued meanwhile. I’m sure I’ll recover, but damage control mode is getting old! My promise to not touch my business money or savings is being severely tested.🤑 

   My need for pain may have extended a little too far into my life. Hopefully I can get back under control.

       I’m doing okay. Most of my goals this year are mental. I just need to write myself reminders and make them into habits.

       But in a lot of ways I’m ahead.