So I received a reminder of the difference between old and new me. A guy whose arm I purposely broke about 11 years ago came into Panera Sunday. Yes you read right; I pinned him down and applied leverage force on his upper arm until it broke. On purpose.
He’d just gotten out of church and his family was with him. Father’s day. He seemed so happy and then he looked over and saw me. Did you know black people can lose color? It’s true.
I motioned for him to come over, not really expecting him to do so. When he did, I had no idea what I would say to
him. He was dealing drugs, acting out and being a fool in general. Until he ran into me, he had no idea how much trouble he was in. He told me that I set him on a path that led him home and back into church. He THANKED me.
I sat there flabbergasted.
I told him that I had lost everything soon after. That I’d finally gotten counselling. Inpatient stay. Cancer. Divorce. That I had to accept all of it. Then I laughed and told him we were each other’s crossroads to becoming better people.
So I told him I was truly sorry. He asked if I’d come with him to service next Sunday and I said no. I accept my fate. I’m a warrior disguised as an artist. I thrive in conflict and suffer in peace. The best I could hope for was to die fighting the good fight. And now….
I’m heading on to my next drawing. Because I have to complete a lot of them, I’m getting a lot of practice. With all of the time I’m spending on this, I actually feel more centered and peaceful.
My girlfriend is being pretty understanding, so I try to do nice things for her, like restaurants and stuff. After all, being supportive is important to me. So I fully intend to return the favor.
In fact, since I dedicated myself to drawing, my life has gotten better. I shouldn’t be surprised though.
My art feeds from any negative emotions or experiences in my life. I’ve always known this intellectually. But there was a decade long span in which I didn’t draw. I was angry and hurt.
My wife left me.
I instinctively began drawing after my suicide attempt.
I’ll admit it; I sucked hard at first. But I felt better. But something was missing and it took awhile to get it. Darkness and sadness can’t be allowed to build up or it can overwhelm you. I let my pride in my own resistance blind me to my truth.
…I guess I’m a good person. I just feed on bad emotions. Mine. Yours.