Tag Archives: contemplation

Twilight

I’m going blind

I have glaucoma. It’s pretty far along. They were supposed to operate but I can’t afford it and now my right eye is almost completely gone. My left is down to 86%. And I’m freaking all the way out.

I’m not sure if they can save my eye. I hope so. But I’m really scared right now. I’ve drawn all my life. I don’t have any memories of not doing it. My job is photographer/video editor/ artists.

What happens when I lose my sight? Forever?

I don’t live with anyone. There’s no family nearby. And I suffer from the kind of mental issues that are mocking my continued efforts to not give in to despair. Suddenly that suicide thing that I’ve been holding at bay feels like a mercy killing.

As an artist, if you’d ask me what I feared more than anything, it would have been losing my sight, with losing my hands a close second.

I’m not close to anyone. I’ve been dealing with this by myself for months. The surgery can only save what’s left, maybe. And because it’s the optic nerve that’s dying…well, maybe it’s already done.

I gotta have the surgery. I need to. But my window is closing and soon it won’t matter. I’ll be in the dark. And I’ll never come back.

Insertion

I had a pretty decent weekend. It started out with a quiet Friday, something I truly needed. Saturday I decided to go sit in my local Starbucks and draw a little.

It usually takes me a few days to become more neutral in my thinking. This can usually turn up in my art. I start making pictures of faces that are not so much “happy”; more like, relaxed.

That’s sort of what I was going for here. No stress, just a tranquil look.

I feel like I did a decent job.

Of course, there were a few people (and at least one baby 😊) that took an interest in my work. One young lady even wanted to buy a print of one of my pieces!

I sent her to my page lionbrowneyes and offered to draw her as well. She happily agreed.

I was so motivated that I ended up creating another while talking to people around me. THAT was new! I hadn’t had to do it in awhile. But in the end I felt better for having done so.

So I had a nice, calm day. I didn’t think about any problems or concerns. I just commited to relaxing.

It’s Raining Bricks

So…I bore easily. Really, REALLY easily and art has always been the way I daydream. It allowed me to create whole worlds and explore trains of thought otherwise denied to me. I couldn’t imagine NOT having the ability; it is my mutant power after all.

But I did lose it. Which should have been a sign that I’d lost myself as well, but I didn’t notice in the mess that my sanity was becoming. In the end I lost everything I cared about and did some inpatient time in a mental care facility.

Yeah, not my best moment. But it doesn’t even make the top ten list, so no worries.

One of the things that they offered me, besides a lot of pills, was a chance to draw. They were stunned at what I could do; so was I, having almost completely forgotten. By degrees, I rebuilt me. By hand.

You could say art saved me. I regained my sense of self. Accepted a new role with my family. Got a new job. I turned it around.

Art was there when I was down and out. Now I draw everyday. I have customers, which I still find weird, hahaha. I’m content.

No happy ending. But my happy place is only a thought away.