Tag Archives: life

Crushing Hope

      So… I’ve acknowledged the fact that there’s one person who can totally knock me off my game. It’s a little sad, but it kept me from being as content as I try to be. So I drew this spontaneously while watching a Star Trek commercial…

       I was actually surprised at how well it turned out. The values were added first, followed by coloring. A lot of the time my mind wasn’t fully on it and I really had to concentrate to stay on task.

     The good news is that I got through it. The better newsis that I got through it. I hate being at the mercy of something like this. But if you’re trying to control life, it will hurt you. So I ride my lows, stay calm in highs and try to find comfort in the middle. Contentment.

Wubadubbawubwub

In case you don’t understand the current reaction…

End of rant. On to art.

    So after a particularly vivid nightmare, started working on this script this week. It took five hours; this surprised me.

      You see, when I was a kid(hell, even now lol) I loved comics. Especially Marvel. Being artistic and all, I figured it was a cinch that I’d work there one day. I looked forward to it and one day I took a bold step. 

    I sent in a bunch of panels. 

     After what felt like I a century I got a letter. A rejection letter. I was crushed and decided maybe I wasn’t meant to be an artist after all. That I’d have to settle for my back up career as test pilot or astronaut. My drawing was covered in red ink corrections, a sure sign of authority. Damn.

     Years later I met the guy who sent me that letter, Jim Shooter. I told him about it and he asked how old I was when I did it. Six, I replied.

      The man was inconsolable. He actually teared up and told me he was sorry about it. He asked if I’d put my age on it. Hadn’t considered that. “No.” If I still drew. At that time, the answer was no. 

    I’m fine. My life has been a comic of sorts, full of adventure travel and tragedy, hahaha. No I didn’t become an astronaut, but I worked for NASA and met several. I even have a piece of Hubble’s old thermal shield, brought back after the lens repair mission.

   And I draw again. I don’t have any dreams attached to my art anymore. It’s for me mostly, with an occasional commission thrown in, mostly for ego sake. 

      Because I love artπŸ˜‰.

[un] cute behavior

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        So I received a reminder of the difference between old and new me. A guy whose arm I purposely broke about 11 years ago came into Panera Sunday. Yes you read right; I pinned him down and applied leverage force on his upper arm until it broke. On purpose.

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         He’d just gotten out of church and his family was with him. Father’s day. He seemed so happy and then he looked over and saw me. Did you know black people can lose color? It’s true.

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        I motioned for him to come over, not really expecting him to do so. When he did, I had no idea what I would say to
him. He was dealing drugs, acting out and being a fool in general. Until he ran into me, he had no idea how much trouble he was in. He told me that I set him on a path that led him home and back into church. He THANKED me.

    I sat there flabbergasted.

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     I told him that I had lost everything soon after. That I’d finally gotten counselling. Inpatient stay. Cancer. Divorce. That I had to accept all of it. Then I laughed and told him we were each other’s crossroads to becoming better people.

     He agreed.

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     So I told him I was truly sorry. He asked if I’d come with him to service next Sunday and I said no. I accept my fate. I’m a warrior disguised as an artist. I thrive in conflict and suffer in peace. The best I could hope for was to die fighting the good fight. And now….

      The trick is to keep breathing, right?

Precious Hate

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    I’ve learned a valuable lesson. Deftones and Hennessey might not be the best combination for me to use as inspiration. I was actually getting angry as I drew this picture! Isn’t that funny?

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      There was a time when negative emotions ruled me. Then one day I realized something; it was much MUCH harder to not be that way. Everybody let’s the world win. I decided to fight it. It takes considerable effort, but I tend to stay content longer.

     So I put wings on an image made from anger.

     It helped.

Sick

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  Haven’t felt well since I got home. Turned out I had the flu and a sinus infection! So I didn’t get to go to work, but still managed to draw a little. I feel like I’ve found my style when it comes to using markers and that makes me really happy. Even my inanimate objects are taking on a certain look

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    See?

Buzzzzzzzzz…

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      Man, work has been hectic lately! I have so many projects that I’ve started locking my door and yelling “NO!!” when I hear a knock! All in an attempt to catch up on no less than 8 projects, with 3 due this week!

    Of course I can’t go that long without drawing something, so this piece was the result. It stems from a memory. And while it looks like a fun one, I came home that evening to a break up letter. So in every sense “leaving” is a suitable title.

    It didn’t rattle me though. While I was sad, I already had antibodies for sudden breakups. So I rode that wave and refuse to dwell on it.

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Ok, markers are getting a LOT easier

  That’s my story and I’m sticking to it!

Concentrate

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      I wish I could show you how much my life is affected by nightmares. There are a lot of days where everything is fine. I can take a lot at that time, few things bother me. But I’m not having peaceful nights.

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       I have vivid nightmares connected to my service time. No, I won’t say what; just know that I wake up being completely terrified. I eventually become depressed. It’s a cycle and I dread it more than anything.

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         Daytime helps. When I draw, I find it odd that whatever emotion I felt in those dreams come back. A lot of good has come to me through art. But when I first noticed this trend, I stopped drawing. Completely.

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     Can you imagine? That’s like a duck moving into the desert! I just didn’t do anything that gave me a creative outlet.

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       Finally I slowly began to start drawing again. Other artists began to challenge me and welcome me.

     The nightmares started after an 18 year gap.

      I went to therapy. I even took some time as an inpatient when I became suicidal. I’m not ashamed to say I needed the help, badly.

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        Anyway I never will win that battle. I know that. It’s not a big deal anyway. I have goals about what I want to achieve that have nothing to do with who I was. I may not always be okay, but I can get past it.

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Jump

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Happy customers equal happy artist!

      Well, I’m finally getting ready to do it. I’m going to start selling prints of my art!  It took awhile to build up a decent portfolio of work,  but I’m finally there.

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      Today I’m taking my more traditional work in to be scanned. My scanner is okay but it’s not large enough for anything above 8.5Γ—11. Luckily we have larger ones at work. Plus our photographers are more familiar with reproducing images, something I haven’t done since art school.

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      Until then, it’ll be a few more images made. I’m trying not to scare myself off. This is my dream and I don’t want to fail at it! I’m not afraid to though.

If it Lives it Dies

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     That exceptionally handsome young man is the son of a soldier. He’s the grandson of one as well and the father of a soldier. My family are soldiers like Skywalkers are Jedi.

   

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      I grew up saying the pledge of allegiance. I was a cub scout,  boy scout, and Captain America was my favorite superhero. Of course I knew we weren’t perfect; I grew up in the south in the 70’s and there was no hiding from THAT. But I picked fights with bullies and loved rock(i.e. classic rock). I was fine.

      I guess I still serve my country. My jobs since I got out have been with various agencies. But I do it from outside now.

      I dream of people I killed occasionally.

     Being a patriot isn’t about blindly thinking your country is perfect. It’s about having a family, knowing a few have serious problems and trying to work it out.
 
      Do what you can when you can to be supportive. And loving your family doesn’t mean you automatically hate everyone else,  right?

Ass id

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    I’m so excited! I had a little life crisis, but it’s no longer raining inside my house. The repairs took almost all of my holiday. Ih well…

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   This is Melissa Sarah Wee. She’s a bodybuilder, obviously, and a really sweet person. Since I’m doing #inktober and doing a drawing a day, I decided to post the steps of her drawing on her page. She is the subject after all…

….the response was overwhelming.

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      I’m getting a lot of requests for commissioned work. It’s weird to consider.  Until a month ago, I was telling myself it would be another month before I was ready to do this much work. Now I’m churning out more than I have in years!

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    I’m sorry if this seems like bragging it’s just that I’m really starting to feel like an artist. Like I could conceivably be paid for it.

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     I guess the lesson is if you have a huge passion for something,  do your best to not let it die. #lovetheprocess